Have you ever been in a place where you can't seem to make a solid decision about anything? There are either too many options or no options at all. If you're like me, you spend hours, days and sometimes weeks weighing the pros and cons of making a final decision on anything. Sometimes weighing until there is nothing more to weigh; otherwise known as the opportunity has passed.
For the past month I've been in this season of indecision. Should I move to another state or stay in New York? Should I continue to build the non-profit I started or should I just give up? Should I go back to school as a full-time student or just stay at my current job and take small training classes to gain the knowledge I need to move forward? Should I sign up for a gym or work out at home? Should I stay in my marriage and try to work it out or should I throw in the towel and move on?
That last one was the most difficult of all. In the midst of all of this I began to develop a sort of anxiety that I've never experienced before. It's almost as if I was so overwhelmed that I decided to mentally check out and go on autopilot to get through the day. At least once a day I would think about all the decisions I needed to make, immediately feel a tightness in my chest and go back into autopilot to avoid dealing with anything. This is how I spent the last 30 plus days and many times I've wondered if I was the only one experiencing this? Everyone else seemed like they had it together and I'm sitting in a room on the floor crying because I can't figure out how to cope when life is totally imbalanced and I'm not getting any direct answers from God.
So what do you do when you're in the valley of indecision? Well, I do the only thing I know how to do. I pray. It's not a grandiose prayer full of thee's and thou's, no just a simple few words. "Jesus, open my eyes to the truth" . What kind of prayer is that? You may ask.
- It's the kind that God will answer by opening your eyes to what He is doing in your life and why He is doing it.
- It will open your eyes to the level of faith you have in His ability to answer your prayers.
- It will certainly open your eyes to the truth of your own character flaws and what adjustments need to be made before you move to the next level.
- It's the kind of prayer that allows you to depend on Jesus to reveal the truth of a situation to you. Is my life really in chaos or am I just going through a test?
At this very moment I'm still in the middle of my valley of indecision, but I'm no longer anxious. Instead, I'm learning to depend on God and less on my own intellect. I'm learning that I need to let go of the reigns and let him direct my path. I'm learning about myself, the good, the bad and the ugly; and I've learned that this is only a test. God will never leave me or forsake me and His plans for my life are good. Even if I don't know everything I have to trust that all will be well, and if you're in a similar position, I encourage you to take this time to learn every lesson that He is trying to teach you. Trust the process and trust God. What is unknown to you, is well known to him.
Until next time,
Live in gratitude. Live in Love.